I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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