i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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