Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
