There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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