I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
