yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
is wine microwaveable?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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