My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
