you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
