There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
