So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
