**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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