Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
