Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
