Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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