He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
