i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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