i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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