he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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