exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
These tits shall not be calmed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
