Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
