I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
