but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
