I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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