I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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