Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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