So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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