meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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