Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
