I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was born a porn star she said
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
