If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
