i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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