i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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