I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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