The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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