Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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