wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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