Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
