its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
