Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
