Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
