Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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