I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
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