just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
