mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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