checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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