Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
