Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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