I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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