My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
