Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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